Lasciarsi Andare

Easter is all about rebirth, awakening, new beginnings. Forgetting the past and living as if you’ve just been born into this world. But come to think of it, how can one forgive without letting the pain go?  Heck, how can one forgive when you remember everything? All the details, the trifling details that lead to something drastic? Dramatic? One can forgive, but one can never forget.

Let me get this straight, I didn’t shed a single tear. True, my voice cracked but I was disappointed, mad, irritated, for allowing it to happen in the first place. For the love of trees, I did not cry. I was annoyed on how things are so easy for them, easy to push people away like that.

What am I talking about? Just so you know, I am fed up with people who pushed people around as if they are the most powerful beings on earth, who can let people feel they are insignificant in this world. So fed up with the people that are so proud of themselves that hurting others  is as easy as snapping one’s fingers; as easy as turning a light off; as easy as throwing a can on the garbage. I cannot fathom the idea on why people choose to be cruel; I’m trying to decipher how people are so numb to all the feelings of others. Numb? Or dumb to understand others’ feelings? And, why? Why would they want to hurt anyone for that matter?

I’m sorry for this sudden outburst. This isn’t the first time  I’ve done it. You would probably think I’m a psycho who laughs one minute, then gets mad the next. No, I’m not. Although, maybe I am. But, I’m just any other person who laughs at the most random things, who travels the world by reading books, who cries over romantic-comedy movies, and who also reaches boiling point. I’m just like you, quiet, but I have so much on my mind; a normal, negligible person who has had enough of abusive, oppressive individuals.

If I ever did something wrong to anyone? It would be not defending the oppressed, the abused, the ones who were hurt, the ones who cried, the ones who had their hearts broken. They say when one ask for forgiveness, he is one step closer to being the better person. And so I’m doing my part. Now. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. Yes, you, you who were oppressed, abused, hurt, the ones who cried, the ones who got their hearts broken, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for watching it all happen doing nothing. I’m sorry for being an audience in your misery. I’m sorry for hurting you because I just watched. I’m sorry.

 To the rich, the dictators, the people who are in power, I’m sorry. You wouldn’t be this cold-hearted if it weren’t for the past experiences that hurt you. I’m sorry for not being there when you yourselves needed someone to defend you. I’m sorry because the people who hurt you did not seek your forgiveness. I’m sorry that you have become less a better person. I’m sorry if I did you wrong. I’m sorry for not trying to understand you. I’m sorry for judging you. I’m sorry.

Nobody asked me if I was okay, so all I could do was write this down. When you started reading this, you probably thought, is she alright? Is she okay? The answer is no. I am hurting inside. I am in pain. I am in sorrow. I am not okay. I was not okay. But after reading this, I tell you, its less painful because I finally let it out. I finally let go. They say time heals all wounds. So, while waiting for the clock to tick, this girl will start smiling, again. And she’ll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is.

Parte di me aspetta solo di lasciarsi andare.

<3, A nina P.

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